What is Love?

Pearls of wisdom from some random poster on a relationship forum I've been reading lately ...

There is romantic love and there is mature love. Mature love is about mutual differences, it's about learning to communicate, to appreciate, and to show sincere affection. It is about being someone who can support a partner, it's about being someone who doesn't blame the other for the failings of the relationship. It's about owning your own crap.

Simple Together

You’ve been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can’t go to you for consolation
Cause we’re off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can’t stop bumping into things

I thought we’d be simple together
I thought we’d be happy together
Thought we’d be limitless together
I thought we’d be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You’ve been my soulmate and then some
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew god’s face was handsome
With you I suffered an expansion

This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And I can’t stop dropping everything

I thought we’d be sexy together
Thought we’d be evolving together
Thought we'd be healing together
I thought we’d be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we’d be genius together
I thought we’d be growing together
I thought we'd have children together
Thought we’d be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

Thought we’d be exploring together
Thought we’d be inspired together
I thought we’d be flying together
Thought we’d be on fire together
But I was sadly mistaken

At That Particular Time

My foundation was rocked
My tried and true way to deal was to vanish
My departures were old
I stood in the room shaking in my boots
At that particular time love had challenged me to stay
At that particular moment I knew not to run away again
That particular month I was ready to investigate with you
At that particular time

We thought a break would be good
For four months we sat and vacillated
We thought a small time apart
Would clear up the doubts that were abounding
At that particular time love encouraged me to wait
At that particular moment it helped me to be patient
That particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant
At that particular time

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
And yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence we felt
And in the meantime I lost myself
In the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself; I am

You knew you needed more time
Time spent alone with no distraction
You felt you needed to fly
Solo and high to define what you wanted
At that particular time love encouraged me to leave
At that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
That particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
At that particular time

Relationship Stuff

Wow, I'm sitting here shivering, which is a pretty amazing situation since I live in a place where the temperature rarely plunges, even in winter like it is now.

Arrived home from my weekly trip into the "Semi-big Smoke" a few hours ago. Been not-so-aimlessly surfing the internet since then.

It was an interesting couple of appointments with the pdoc, focusing primarily on the relationship with my husband and the issues surrounding leaving or staying with him. Although he would never say so, I think the pdoc is hoping I separate from the husband.

I wish I knew what was for the best. My husband is not an asshole by any stretch of the imagination. I wish he was. It would make my decision so much easier (I think) if that was the case. However, and he admits this, the husband is unable to cope with my illness or offer any meaningful support; apart from practical I guess since he goes off to work every day while I sit at home.

I am tired of trying to cope by myself. We essentially live in different ends of the house, only sharing a bed when he is working day shift. The vast majority of the time, we are sitting in front of our respective computers in separate rooms. My "job" in the relationship seems to be for me to cook and clean for him, and lend an ear when he comes home from work if he needs to talk about his day.

What is his job supposed to be? Is he supposed to provide me with more than a roof over my head and plenty of food to eat? Is he supposed to be there for me emotionally too? Years ago, when things went south with my health, should he have done some research about it, even through Google or something, and learnt how to support me in some way? Hell, I wish he had. I feel lost and alone.

The pdoc as suggested I write a letter to the husband since I seem unable to talk with him about the situation. That's not a bad idea. Even if I never show it to him it might help me identify what is going on inside me. It might help me identify what I really want from the husband if the relationship was to continue.